Have you ever felt like your mind is consumed with thoughts? How about this, Have you only thought Infertility madness all day?
Lately I have been feeling relieved. I feel God has been putting on my heart that my thoughts consume my mind, my day,my week. I don’t know about you, but have you ever felt like you just got sucker punched? When you wake up from your blackout all things feel new? Feel open. Feel light.
I have been feeling as if lights have been going off in my mind lately. I feel as if God is working in me and through me. Opening my eyes to a new perspective on things. It feels GREAT!
From the time I was married(3years ago) my mind was always wrapped around children. When will they come? How can I help conceive them sooner(eating healthier,meds,etc)? Why aren’t we expecting yet? Is it time to take an ovulation test? Oh snap, 1 day late should I take a pregnancy test? Literally all my mind focused on,thought, dreamed of was revolved on children.This robbed me! It robbed me of my first year of marriage. I strongly regret that! Robbed me of having a great time being a newlywed. I never felt like a newlywed!! It robbed me of just having fun on a daily basis. Have you ever experienced this? It doesn’t have to be infertility either. It can be that you are consumed with work,financial struggles,relationships etc. You feel like you are here and going through the motions of everyday life,but your mind isn’t. You miss out on laughs, events,birthdays, and holidays.. You miss out on A LOT!
Recently, it has been on my heart to just let go. Let go of the thoughts, let go of ovulation tests, tracking cycles, analyzing everything. Oh my, the thoughts of everything is one thing,but the actually analyzation of charts,ovulation tests,and symptoms is another. Having or doing both literally consumes your life.It wasn’t all I thought about. It also became what I talked about.So not good! It causes stress in all areas of your life. On yourself,with your husband,with work,and other relationships. I am so thankful for finally being set free. Finally being shown what I was doing to myself and to others. What I was doing to God.
Being consumed with these thoughts had me putting God further on the back burner. I was saying I believe and trust Him while my actions and thoughts said otherwise. I literally had no faith! None at all! How can I trust,believe and have faith in God when I am secretly doing all I can to make my dream of being a mother come true. While trying to make my dream come true I would doubt when I didn’t see cervical mucus, positive ovulation test, rise in temperature or any chance of becoming pregnant. My relationship with God was seriously the last thing I thought about or acted on.My eyes were far from Him. That utterly hurt me.
My infertility. My thoughts.My actions.My words. They all became Idols in my life. They replaced God. Replaced my relationship with Him. Replaced my quiet time. Replaced my prayers. Often people don’t think their thoughts can be idols, but if your thoughts are what is taking place of God then it is indeed idols. I recently discovered all of this. I never thought I was replacing God. I never thought I didn’t have faith. I am not sure how all of this is coming to the surface,but I am loving it. I love knowing that my God hasn’t walked out. He hasn’t left me even though my mind tries to tell me He has. Especially when I see absolutely no sign of fertility.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great to know what is going on with our bodies and finding out if we do ovulate or don’t. I believe the moment the thoughts and questions step in and begin to consume your mind to the point God/Prayer time/Quiet time is replaced is when the issue begins. I am glad to know that after charting cycles I discovered I do ovulate. I have had positive ovulation tests. I think that is all I needed to know, I shouldn’t have gone on to researching google or asking friends questions every time we spoke or downloading apps on my phone to track everything.
Our human minds always question why. When we get an answer we always follow it again with the why over and over again. Stop analyzing. Stop questioning. Stop putting your infertility before your relationship with God. It’s hard. I finally have been convicted and on the road to fixing and making up for lost time after 3 year of marriage. I often think of all the women in the bible who suffered with infertility. They didn’t have ovulation tests, thermometers,or apps on their phones. Heck did they even know how long an average menstrual cycle was? Therefore, they only had prayer and faith.
Have you been consumed? Was it being consumed with God and things unseen or have you been consumed with idols the things seen?
fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal
2 Corinthians 4:18