It Never Seems to End

It is always something that needs to get done that leads to more things surfacing to get done.

That happened to me today. I am not sure if I have ever mentioned what I do for a living. Me and the Hubby work together. We care for 3 ladies with disabilities. When I say care I mean we help teach them how to do things on their own. Helping to teach them how to live more independently. It’s not easy. You get behaviors. When I say behaviors that can be anywhere from simply refusing/unwilling to do something to having a tantrum. I will save you from the details of what that is like. Just picture the worst tantrum of anyone you may have experienced and multiply it by 10!

On top of trying to teach them new skills whether it’s hygiene or learning to communicate to us, there is much more involved.We prepare menus/meals with their assistance, We make doctor appointments, We bring them to all appointments, We help clean their home with their assistance(Just think of doing 2 homes housekeeping), We pick up their medications & keep track of when they are given, We grocery shop with them, We shop with them whenever they may need at any given time, We collect data on paper(then plug it into the computer system), We keep track of how many hours they are getting out(mandatory 25 hours a week), We keep up communication among their guardians, We train staff & manage staff(that is a job in itself), We attend meetings & training,We manage finances(4 checkbooks just at their home & we pay their bills),We organize their home as needed, We decorate their home with them for holidays, We help them host parties for the holidays, We manage the home vehicle(oil changes, maintenance checks, Oh and bringing to the shop as needed Ha! it’s in the shop now), We also contact maintenance when something in the home needs to be fixed.

Needless to say we do a lot. Yes, I am able to work with my husband although 2 out of 3 ladies demand his attention because they enjoy him more. I do live right next door. NOT always a good thing. You begin to feel as if you live at work. We work 55 hours a week. We have Saturday & Sundays off BUT are on call all weekend long. We work holidays unless we request off or fall on Saturday or Sunday. My husband is in school on top of working, so our time is limited. Working with your spouse isn’t always spending time with each other. I enjoy it and wouldn’t want to work with anyone else,but our time working isn’t the same as when we are off.

As you see, we have a lot on our shoulders most of the time. If something is going down hill, so are we. My To-Do list began because we will be going on vacation 12/26-1/12- 2 weeks. So we have to make sure all of these things stay in line while we are gone. I am preparing menus/outings/paying bills/updating books/communicating with guardians….. Making sure all is in line so my boss doesn’t go crazy & WE CAN RELAX.. So..

This job doesn’t come with an on and off switch. So I have to prepare as if I was here for those 2 weeks. Ha, I am sure we will get supplement staff that won’t read a line in that well put together folder. Yes, I created a folder with every and anything you can think of! You name it, it’s in there.(where things are located all over the house, ladies routines,outings,menus,how to do things, what silverware the ladies eat with, medication times,important phone numbers)

We formed bonds with our ladies.We kinda actually love them. Yes, if something goes wrong we are the ones that hear the fussing,but more importantly we are responsible. We care for these ladies as if they were our loved ones. If an injury occurs we start running with adrenaline or like a chicken with their head cut off (not a daily occurrence,but has happened). If one happens to choke, again adrenaline runs,but you get emotional & scared(again not a daily occurrence,but has happened). If one is upset and is acting out because they are upset…you get annoyed just like you would if they were your siblings.  We just go into a room or outside to scream and come back in! I am thankful for these ladies. Although,nonverbal(forgot that part huh?) they teach us more and more of what love looks like.

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They never said those words, I Love You, but I know what love looks like. You don’t have to speak it in order for someone to know you love them or they love you. I love this quote by Mark Twain! It’s the tantrum,hitting,pushing you away episode yet grabbing your hand to stay by them! That’s our daily I Love You’s. It melts your heart even though your thinking about the Sour Patch candy commercials!

I may work a lot and only get credit for it from my husband,but I know these ladies are loved. With love comes responsibility. Keeping things organized for them to have a nice time while we are away is our responsibility. With responsibility comes To Do Lists that never cease to end. Just one day at a time. One task marked off each day! Do what you can today. No need to worry about what is left..

Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 

Matthew 6:34

So glad I am told to worry one day at a time. Isn’t it true, each day brings enough trouble of its own? I hope you all take comfort in this. Know that it’s okay to not get finished with our To Do Lists. It’s hard to remember that!

Are you all resting in this verse this week?

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Learning When You Are Teaching

Have you ever learned something while teaching 3-5 year olds in a Sunday School class? The lessons are already prepared that we are given. My husband is usually the one that goes over it while I am busy getting ready for church. As I sat there teaching with my husband, light bulbs were going off. I normally just get side tracked with the children’s responses to questions,randomness,or funny outbursts. They are hard to avoid or laugh at.

Yesterday’s story/teaching had my antenna’s up and listening. Our story was about Bartimaeus.

46 Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. 47 When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”48 Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”49 Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.”So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” 50 Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.51 “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”52 “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

Mark 10:46-52

My first light bulb was, How many times have I let other people shush me? How many times have I allowed the devil to tell me that God wants nothing to do with me and to be quiet. I am just making a bunch of noise with my prayers and request. Or How I allow people to tell me that something must be wrong that is why you do not have children. I listen to those who don’t know my innermost parts. My heart. God hears my cries. He hears my requests and prayers. He knows my desires. He knows that my faith will heal me. I should listen to no one telling me to be quiet or shushing me!

My second light bulb was, What healed Bartimeaus? His faith. Faith is a small word with big impacts. How many times have I let my faith only flicker instead of being a roaring fire? I know having faith is hard, it doesn’t come easy, and takes time to increase. Our faith, My faith can do great things. My faith can Heal me. Bartimeaus was blind all his life, he begged and continue to beg even when those who told him to be quiet. He begged so loudly that Jesus heard him and called him to come. If we allow people, the devil, our current circumstances to cease our cries,how will God ever be able to hear us? We give up too easily. In this day in age everything has to be NOW!.. It doesn’t work that way! Yes, this story seems that his sight was restored instantly, and it may have been. It wasn’t restored until after he had faith. Faith is what keeps us from going from A to B to C.  It’s a progress. It takes time to build your faith.It doesn’t usually come instantly. I am sure Bartimeaus faith took time to build, He was blind for some time.

My conclusion, My revelation is that when we cry out to God we should do so loudly. Being persistent despite what our circumstances,people or the devil tell us. Having faith is what heals us. I also noticed that once he received his sight, he didn’t just leave to continue his day. He followed Jesus. He kept walking in faith. He walked with Jesus after he was healed. After he got what he wanted most!

I am thankful for learning this story with our Sunday School class. Do you cry out despite others telling you to be quiet? I would love to hear your stories of you doing exactly what Bartimeaus did!

Consumed Mind

Have you ever felt like your mind is consumed with thoughts? How about this, Have you only thought Infertility madness all day?

Lately I have been feeling relieved. I feel God has been putting on my heart that my thoughts consume my mind, my day,my week. I don’t know about you, but have you ever felt like you just got sucker punched? When you wake up from your blackout all things feel new? Feel open. Feel light.

I have been feeling as if lights have been going off in my mind lately. I feel as if God is working in me and through me. Opening my eyes to a new perspective on things. It feels GREAT!

From the time I was married(3years ago) my mind was always wrapped around children. When will they come? How can I help conceive them sooner(eating healthier,meds,etc)? Why aren’t we expecting yet? Is it time to take an ovulation test? Oh snap, 1 day late should I take a pregnancy test? Literally all my mind focused on,thought, dreamed of was revolved on children.This robbed me! It robbed me of my first year of marriage. I strongly regret that! Robbed me of having a great time being a newlywed. I never felt like a newlywed!! It robbed me of just having fun on a daily basis. Have you ever experienced this? It doesn’t have to be infertility either. It can be that you are consumed with work,financial struggles,relationships etc. You feel like you are here and going through the motions of everyday life,but your mind isn’t. You miss out on laughs, events,birthdays, and  holidays.. You miss out on A LOT!

Recently, it has been on my heart to just let go. Let go of the thoughts, let go of ovulation tests, tracking cycles, analyzing everything. Oh my, the thoughts of everything is one thing,but the actually analyzation of  charts,ovulation tests,and symptoms is another. Having or doing both literally consumes your life.It wasn’t all I thought about. It also became what I talked about.So not good! It causes stress in all areas of your life. On yourself,with your husband,with work,and other relationships. I am so thankful for finally being set free. Finally being shown what I was doing to myself and to others. What I was doing to God.

Being consumed with these thoughts had me putting God further on the back burner. I was saying I believe and trust Him while my actions and thoughts said otherwise. I literally had no faith! None at all! How can I trust,believe and have faith in God when I am secretly doing all I can to make my dream of being a mother come true. While trying to make my dream come true I would doubt when I didn’t see cervical mucus, positive ovulation test, rise in temperature or any chance of becoming pregnant. My relationship with God was seriously the last thing I thought about or acted on.My eyes were far from Him. That utterly hurt me.

My infertility. My thoughts.My actions.My words. They all became Idols in my life. They replaced God. Replaced my relationship with Him. Replaced my quiet time. Replaced my prayers. Often people don’t think their thoughts can be idols, but if your thoughts are what is taking place of God then it is indeed idols. I recently discovered all of this. I never thought I was replacing God. I never thought I didn’t have faith. I am not sure how all of this is coming to the surface,but I am loving it. I love knowing that my God hasn’t walked out. He hasn’t left me even though my mind tries to tell me He has. Especially when I see absolutely no sign of fertility.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great to know what is going on with our bodies and finding out if we do ovulate or don’t. I believe the moment the thoughts and questions step in and begin to consume your mind to the point God/Prayer time/Quiet time is replaced is when the issue begins. I am glad to know that after charting cycles I discovered I do ovulate. I have had positive ovulation tests. I think that is all I needed to know, I shouldn’t have gone on to researching google or asking friends questions every time we spoke or downloading apps on my phone to track everything.

Our human minds always question why. When we get an answer we always follow it again with the why over and over again. Stop analyzing. Stop questioning. Stop putting your infertility before your relationship with God. It’s hard. I finally have been convicted and on the road to fixing and making up for lost time after 3 year of marriage. I often think of all the women in the bible who suffered with infertility. They didn’t have ovulation tests, thermometers,or apps on their phones. Heck did they even know how long an average menstrual cycle was? Therefore, they only had prayer and faith.

Have you been consumed? Was it being consumed with God and things unseen or have you been consumed with idols the things seen?

fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal

2 Corinthians 4:18

How important it is to have a Support System

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I don’t know about you,but I always feel more at ease knowing someone else out there has been in my shoes. Someone who is dealing with the same feelings/emotions that come along with this journey. To me having a support is important for me to thrive daily in this world. Feeling alone is the hardest thing to go through. When you are first told something may be wrong or is wrong it’s like the light goes out in the room and it’s just you.

At times I still feel alone. I feel as if I am by myself in a dark room. I feel as if people truly don’t try to understand the feelings,thoughts,heartache,or pain that you go through each month. I understand most people won’t understand,but it hurts when people don’t try to understand. To me there is a difference. Infertility is a battle. It’s pain. It’s agonizing at times. Some people choose to see all of these and some just don’t try. The great thing is: We can build our support system!

Our support system can consist of bible verses we go to on our rough days. A lot of the time it can be having extra prayer time/quiet time with God on those bad days. Or if your like me it’s just needing to hear encouragement from fellow trying to conceive sisters/couples. Sometimes its just someone else praying for you. It can be all of the above!( I need that on really,really, really rough days)

A week or so ago. Hubby & I were at a small group. At the end once everyone left, the couple who are the leaders of the group asked us what we needed prayer for. They said that by a few things we talked about in group it seemed that we were having trouble to conceive and they told us their story of 2 miscarriages before their daughter. As we were explaining the history of us. Someone from group came back and said that God told her to come and pray over us…. WHAT?! Needless to say I am one of those I can’t take spot light. I get red and nervous. I may cry or cry harder if spot light is on me. Well, God thanks for your spotlight! I cried while these 3 people were praying over us..WHY? I have no idea, I wasn’t even having a bad day! We never really had anyone just pray over us, or someone come back because they feel they needed to pray over us. It was all new, yet wonderful. We are thankful for that moment of others praying over us.

Normally my husband,Damian, can tell when something is up. Most of the time he is good at listening and talking it through with me. Normally he says amazing things about me that makes me cry more! Then he prays for me, for us and I normally feel better. Sometimes I just hop into a nice hot bubble bath, light a candle or two,turn the lights off and just spend the whole time relaxing and praying. I know it is strange to some, but baths relax me and my mind stops enough for me to pray.For everything I may have been feeling.For other people.Other things going on and the rest of my busy week!

I like to surround my mind with positive things. Whether it is certain bible verses or positive outcomes of infertility. I love hearing how people waited for years and God blessed them. It really helps me in the waiting and rough time. It helps me keep my mind on, “He is always on time!”

I also try to take time and encourage others going through the same boat as me! I started this blog, not only to encourage and help those through their waiting time,but to help myself. This blog is like an opened diary. It’s my inner thoughts, research and what God has to say about all that I may go through/think/question.

A support system is so important. It helps you feel that it isn’t the end of the world. It helps you feel that you aren’t alone. It helps keep you sane. It builds you up when you are down. We all need encouragement when we can’t give or think of one encouraging thought.

Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

We are told to encourage and build one another up. Oh how I am thankful for all who build me up and helps me keep focus on all God is doing and will do!

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Two are better than one. A support buddy is better than none. If I fall I can count on others to bring me up again. If I don’t have a support pity on me! Do you have a support buddy or system? What is your go to support on those rough days?